Despite bringing torches and pitchforks to this quest, I must admit that I sent my mob mentality home after the first bite. I had my first Whopper as an eight year while living in the states. My dad was getting his Masters degree and we as kids were finally getting access to the Americanisms that we had seen advertised on cable for years, but could never experience in Canada. Sure, maybe I was a bit suspended in the US Kool Aid we all drink living north of ” We Are So Awesome”. No matter what, that first Whopper tasted like a foreign policy that I bet most US politicians wish they would have implemented since that glorious day I had in 1979.

Bun 23/30
With millions of dollars and years of research, you better have come up with a starchy patty platter that is both tasty and capable of dealing with the slop of toppings that are usually applied by zitty teenagers who are more interested in getting off work than they are of piling up toppings in the manner prescribed across the 50 or so pages of the Burger King food assembly manual. Millions well spent, as the Burger King Bun on this occasion was a fluffy, fresh and balanced bun maintaining light notes of butter and nuttiness. The belly of the bun did carry a bulk bakery feel that is noticeable mostly in the texture, but all things considered (scrunched up confused face) not bad at all.

Meat 11/30
I think science is at play on the largest level here. The ability for fast food joints to keep their prices so low and my lack faith that quality is a top priority in a struggling capitalist economy would lead me to believe that this patty has got to be more ligaments, sinew and unmentionables than it is beef. Oh, did I forget the chemicals and filler? Nevertheless, one of my earliest memories of a burger is my first bite into a whopper jr. at the age of 8 while on vacation in the States. Let’s be clear about something here: it is not by the conveyer belt flame broiling alone that Burger King achieves their advertised flame broiled flavor. That would be like saying that a model can have a career without an airbrush. But what ever it is that BK does to achieve there signature patty flavour, it is inextricably linked to some deeply seeded positive memories for me. It is also the process that puts a stank on your hands that will only wear off when it wants to, not to mention a blowback that tastes like you ate the ass off a skunk.

Toppings 24/30
Clean cold crisp and perfectly ripe. I liked these pickles, but then again I like most fast food pickles in the same way the iron chefs will use catsup and then lie to themselves to pretend that they didn’t. The cheese on the Whopper is a stunning example of as much tang as you can get into a slice of American cheese. Proportions were bang on and if you look at the pictures we took, you can see that revamped packaging and balanced construction had my burger looking a few airbrush strokes away from being a BK model.

Other considerations
I have been to this Burger King a few times before and never did the quality come close to what I had on this quest. Past experiences included asymmetrical topping placement, slimy wilted lettuce, dam busting mayo application and maybe even a few short and curly’s. This could not be further than the truth on is occasion. I don’t know if BK executives were forced to eat one of their own burgers or the stars aligned or something, but there are definitely some things right with this burger. I should rant about a meat change here, but it may be the only sensory trigger that can transport me back to a time when Cory Heart was blasting through the headphones of those chunky yellow Sony Walkmans…. Who would want to forget hat?

Final Evaluation: What would you do to have one of these again?
I would lie and tell everyone that I fought a dude with a butterfly knife and nunchuks out front of the Town and Country for this Burger.

In fact, the atmosphere at BK is so pleasant that there were at least five older single men just sitting quietly at their tables enjoying a burger. This is a tribute to BK, as we all know that these guys are impatient and have time enough to try all the places in order to find the right spot that will serve them good clean food while leaving them the hell alone.

Oh yeah, we also had the pimply faced, voice cracking, awkward, friendly teenager take our orders…could you ask for more?

Bun 25/30
Given my long absence from BK, I had forgotten how good the bun is at this place. It was covered in sesame seeds, had great texture, the right amount of give when squeezing, and a nice sweet taste. Now here is the tricky part. I know that this bun is created by some food chemist and is the opposite of the fresh baked goodness you get at a nice local joint. I know this, and it goes against the principles of passion and local that I love, but I love this bun as a feat of modern science. Think about it. The bun that I just ate was probably created by some PhD in chemistry who has devoted his/her life to the pursuit of the perfect chemical combination that will make the bun the best in the hamburger industry. So cool. I ate and pooped out science.

Meat 3/30
The meat at BK is flame broiled, which I love on account of the unique flavour and extreme crunch you get from the crusty outer layer. The problem here is that the meat is such low quality that is does absolutely nothing for texture or taste. I know that the franchises are all about cutting costs, as saving a few cents here and there will have a huge effect on the bottom line on account of the massive volume they move. But come on BK, what the hell is that meat? Not even science can overcome the, what I assume to be, grade f quality meat you serve.

Toppings 18/30
The toppings were good, but not great. The highlight was definitely the American cheese that was put on cold allowing it to achieve the very slight melt created by the heat radiating off the burger. It adds such a nice texture and flavour to the burger. The sauces were done well and the lettuce and tomatoes were good, but nothing really stood out. I compare the toppings to the friend in your high school group who is always there, but does not really contribute to or take anything away from the group. All groups have these guys. You need them.

Other considerations
I was warned by Gravy about the blowback (gas exiting from either end post meal) that comes from a BK meal. I laughed it off in an overconfident way, and we all know what happens when a person is overconfident: lessons are learned the hard way. Next time I get a blowback warning from our resident burger Rain Man, I will take it to heart and pound the Tums.

BK gets it right in terms of delivering the franchise experience. The only thing I would recommend changing is their marketing. The King, while hilarious, should be replaced by Stephen Hawking in a move that will demonstrate BK`s full acknowledgement of the use of science in making their burgers. Also, he has King in his name.

Think about it: BK – our burgers are designed by Stephen Fricken Hawking. Don`t tell me that you would not give that a try.

Final Evaluation: What would you do to have one of these again?
I would fight Ronald McDonald in a Star Trek Kirk versus Spock battle while the king watches.

I am going to award BK an extra point for managing to somehow come up with a mascot that is creepier than Ronald McDonald. I frickin’ love “The King” but if you are a 5 year old kid there ain’t much scarier than that grinning psychotic looking fool trying to give you a hug.

Bun 18/30
For a massive fast food chain, Burger King manages to maintain some impressive quality standards, particularly when it comes to the freshness of the elements.

Or do they?

There is a big difference between “fresh food” and “preserved food”.

Here’s a quick list of some of the ingredients these buns “may contain” (you know its bad when they don’t even know for sure):

Ammonium Sulfate, Monocalcium Phosphate, Calcium Sulfate, Calcium Carbonate, Microcrystalline Cellulose, Sorbitol, Sodium Chloride, Magnesium Stearate, Distilled Monoglycerides, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Ascorbic Acid, Azodicarbonamide, Mono- And Diglycerides, Ethoxylated Mono- And Diglycerides, Calcium Peroxide,Calcium Stearoyl-2-Lactylate, Datem, L-Cysteine, Enzymes, Calcium Propionate And/Or Sorbic Acid.

Yum!

Now this stuff isn’t uncommon. The sad reality is that it is in a ton of our food and I shouldn’t pick on BK alone, it is part of the fast food game. But we should at least all know what we are putting in our bodies and for the most part the longer the list of ingredients the further away from being ‘real food’ it is.

Meat 15/30
Not unlike Rotten Ronalds, Burger King meat has a very distinctive taste. They are well known for “flame-broiling” their whoppers, but the taste goes beyond just the expected smokiness. I imagine a huge bucket of something called “BK flavor” in the back that is liberally sprinkled on every patty they cook. That would also explain that odd stench that churns out of every Burger King location.

Toppings 20/30
If there is one thing Burger King does adequately it is toppings. The lettuce is crisp and cool, the tomatoes seem fresh and the mixture of sauces is bang on. My favorite part of a Whopper is the mix of mayo and ketchup that is achieved. They also handle the cheese well…placing it on cold at the last minute to achieve the right amount of melt.

Other considerations
I’m not sure if it was location-specific but the Burger King we wandered into was rocking out the 90′s dance tunes with great enthusiasm.

Haddaway (he’s the “What is Love” guy), Heavy D and the Boyz, and even “Return of the Mac”…White Gravy was taken back to his younger days when he would get his groove on at The Capital or The Fox n’ Firkin.

Good times.

One final note, if you are a fan of Burger King at all, you may want to go there soon. Keep in mind, BK vanished from the Calgary scene for many years before making a return in the 90s. However, in recent years we’ve seen a couple of prominent locations close up, including on Macleod Trail and 16th Avenue. One has to wonder if they will be leaving the market altogether at some point.

Final Evaluation: What would you do to have one of these again?
Every few months I find myself returning to Burger King. As I enjoy my Whopper I wonder why I don’t get there more often. 60 minutes later as my wild post-BK ride is starting…I remember.

And so it goes. A periodic stop at The King punctuated by an afternoon of misery.

I’ll be back, and I’ll regret it again.